And there she is… and it’s perfect. She’s not being talked to by 13 people like usual. She looks peaceful sitting there and sipping her “No ice, skim milk, one pump, double-blended frap. Oh, and hold the whip cream.” You smile to yourself as you contemplate how coffee could possibly be so complicated. “Ha…” you think “…almost as complicated as why I’m still sitting here.” So you get up… and… sit back down. “Why is this so HARD!!” you yell at yourself. She looks at her watch and sighs… then, regretfully, starts to slowly gather the papers she had barley glanced at since she’d been there. You can think of a million reasons why you should go talk to her… and also a million why some other time might be better. This seems like such a great opportunity… but the moment is rapidly passing…what do you do?
After writing part one in this series of blog posts on relationships, I admit that I was a little lost at where to go next. Ok so maybe more than a little lost…maybe somewhere between hopelessly and miserably would be a better description. And after starting this particular post about seven times, I decided to mention the above scenario. Now, it is fictional and maybe is a situation you’ve never been in, but I tried to highlight the internal struggle that many guys face when considering asking out/dating a girl. And, trust me girls, it really is a struggle. But guys, I’m going to be blunt… I DON’T CARE if it’s hard. Now, it’s not that I don’t sympathize, because I do. I have trouble with this stuff too but I really think that if the girl is trying and doing some of the hard, sometimes difficult stuff that I mentioned in my last post about relationships, then we are wrong if we aren’t risking the same (and really, we should be risking more) to try to find someone as well. It should be hard. So below I’m going to put some things (much like I did for the girls) about what my personal opinion is on what guys should be doing. And, I’ll just warn you ahead of time, I probably going to be very honest and not extremely tactful because honestly, we are all guys and I know you can handle it and I’d rather hit you in the face with what I think is really important than beat around the bush for an hour and maybe have some of us miss the point.
-First, most importantly, and shortest. Get advice. Pray. Talk to those who you look up to. This is the easiest area to mess up because your emotions are involved and if you aren’t asking God and others for wisdom you have a better chance of “hitting a bullet… with another bullet… while riding a horse…blindfolded” to quote Star Trek.
- JUST ASK HER!!! Probably most of you were dying while reading the story above. I know after writing it I honestly wanted to go up and shake the guy as he sat there about to watch the girl walk out. To quote the old Nike slogan “Just Do It”. God has designed us to be the leaders in our future homes so we might as well start getting practice taking the lead now. And really, what’s the worst that could happen? Maybe she does laugh at you, or look really surprised because it’s totally out of the blue in her mind. I know what you’re thinking… “How could she NOT know?!?! I’ve only been making meaningful eye contact, “just randomly” running into her, and writing on her Facebook wall for the last 3 months…how could she not already know??” But it’s true guys, sometimes we think we are being obvious and think she’ll surely see it coming but a lot of times that is not the case… which is why you be very clear. Just go talk to her. Even if she says no, at least you’re both on the same page and you can move on. Because let’s face it… do you really want your thoughts on why you DIDN’T take your opportunity doing enough laps for a Daytona 500 later that night? Because I’ve done that and trust me… I’ve done it so much that I think it has ruined me from ever liking Nascar and/or racing.
- Objective of your Date. The objective of your date should have two main reasons. Reason number one: give it your best shot and be watching to see if there are any immediate red flags with this girl. If you start to see so many red flags that you wonder if maybe communism is making a comeback... then stop and think. Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing them sooner, but just realize that if you can see problems this early on, it’s not fair to you or her to go out on 37 more dates before you drop her. Never lead her on. It’s not fair and it’s wrong. Now, if there are not any immediate problems then you should transition to objective number two. Reason number two for your date: set up, or at least get ideas for date number two. This really isn’t that hard if you have a plan and are intentional about what you are talking about all evening with dream girl. For instance, you ask what she likes to do or she tells some story about some of her favorite memories or passions. Bam. Figure out a way to work something like that into your next date. If she says the ONLY THING SHE LOVES IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS KNITTING!.... then you have a decision. You either might need to start taking some night classes on crocheting… or possibly consider that maybe you and this girl aren’t the best of matches. Either is fine, but just go in with your eyes open…and maybe make me a scarf to thank me if you choose the night classes.
- Where are you going? I don’t mean where are you going in the next ten minutes, I mean in life. One of my favorite quotes about this is from Dr. Nobel (founder of Summit Ministries) because he doesn’t beat around the bush. He said: “Girls… if some guy asks you out… and he’s on the bus to “nowhere”…you tell him to... DROP DEAD!” And I think he’s right. If you care so much about this girl then care enough to be able to provide for her. So, have a plan for where you are going in life because contrary to popular opinion, love is NOT all you need. Something that suspiciously resembles a job and a life-calling tends to do a lot more for your relationship than just having “love”. Remember what I told the girls because the same thing applies “meet someone you love…doing something you love.”
- Alright, there’s a lot more that needs to be said but this will be the last one. If you blow it but still think that you HAVE to date this girl because she’s that important and special…don’t waste time with regret. Plan better, get more advice, pray harder, and then try again. If she is not worth all those things then again, that’s not bad, but it also means she’s probably not the one for you.
That’s all I have for now guys. I will be the first to tell you that stuff doesn’t always work out and sometimes you do everything right and it just turns out wrong. Or you blow it and think it’s over for sure. But that’s ok, learn from it and don’t become bitter and you might really end up being a guy that some girl will love to date/marry because of it. To reference the quote I used in the first line of this post, take control of making those moments in your life... don’t let the moment pass you by.
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